From the Heart

by A Martyr's Oath

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1.
03:35
I had this dream once where I was standing on a mountain and I could see all the people living in the valley down below. It was like they were a rose put on top of a gravestone just waiting to be blown away. I was carried down to that great city below. It was on fire and no one could breathe. Not even me. That’s when I woke up in a hot sweat wondering why my house was a hundred degrees. On top that mountain once again, this time no smoke and definitely no wind. Trees covered that city above the rooftops below. A memorial bouquet for that great tombstone. It wasn’t until I woke up that I realized it meant the fire of Heaven. Just because God promised Noah doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen again. This time the fire flames scorched the earth for the deeds it had done. And for the blasphemy of God’s only true begotten Son. It’s only a matter of time before it all goes down. Just like that great city, everything is going to come burning down. Repentance is the only cure for the fire to come. Repentance is for everyone. Not just for some. I was carried down to that great city below. It was on fire and no one could breathe. Not even me. That’s when I woke up in a hot sweat wondering why my house was a hundred degrees. On top that mountain once again, this time no smoke and definitely no wind. Trees covered that city above the rooftops below. A memorial bouquet for that great tombstone.
2.
How can I pretend to know who You are when my life is saturated in the sin of presumptuous gratitude of Your saving grace? If we really cared that much we would put away our flaws and make righteousness our number one cause. But we don’t. Because, we’re too caught up in our own moral worth and the pity of thinking we’re not as bad as the people we don’t know. And yet, I’m just another nobody caught up in the crowd like everyone else. None are worth, God. No, not one. Is there actually any light left in this world today Father, or is it just me to think that no one can see through the fog of our own denial toward the condition of this existence and the stain that we’ve caused on You’re wonderful creation, keeping us from seeing who You are? Depart from me, for I never knew you will be the echoed cry of Christ at the multitude are passed by with their eagerness for the fleshpots of Egypt only three days after the exodus experience and the miracles seen by the naked eye. How quickly we forget. How quickly we will regret setting aside our first true love in an attempt to be satisfied in the here and now. What a shame… what a shame. And on that Great day, if I’m not one of the lucky few, it would still be worth it just to see You if only for a moment. Just to catch that glimpse in Your eyes of eternity as the tears drop down Your cheek for having to see me leave by staying true to Your righteous judgment of justice. Others may mock me for saying I’m a fool of faith. But let them snicker. Because, all they will ever have is the here and now.
3.
I’ve been sitting here for ten long years wondering where you’ve been and where I went wrong. If art was a canvas full of empty words plucked out at random like pretentious slurs I’d scream my lungs out for fear that you did not hear me wandering around in the darkness all alone. Save my soul… save my soul. You said you’d be there. Even though I know that no one else seems to cares I long to see your face. Like Adam and Eve after they had to leave, I just want to come home. How much longer will I have to wait? How much longer will I have to wait? Save my soul… save my soul. I threw my compass against the rock. Now it’s broke and I can’t get back. Like Peter when he stepped out the boat to walk on the waves. I just want to be brave. Going to trim my lamp and wait on the side of the road all alone. Oh my God, what have I done to deserve the endless sea of epiphanies that always lead to grief? Part the seas of iniquity that I might see through a glass darkly. Spit in the mud and rub it in my eye that I might see past the lie that you weren’t enough. It’s always been about your love. Save my soul… save my soul.

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released January 1, 2020

Written and produced by Pat Douglas
Photography by Lisa Fotios

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A Martyr's Oath Beaumont, Texas

My name is Pat. I have been writing music under AMO since Dec. of 2019.

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